You Don't Have to Love Halloween Parties: Finding Your People and Feeling Like You Belong

There are people who genuinely love Halloween parties.

They enjoy getting dressed up, meeting new people, talking to strangers, and being part of the energy.

And then there are people who receive an invitation and immediately start thinking:

Do I actually have to go?

Maybe you don't enjoy parties.

Maybe meeting new people is exhausting.

Maybe you never know what to say.

Maybe you spend the entire time wondering whether you're fitting in.

Or maybe you've had enough experiences of feeling left out that another social gathering doesn't sound particularly appealing.

That doesn't necessarily mean you're antisocial.

Sometimes it means you've learned that being around people can require a lot of work.

And sometimes the problem isn't that you don't like being around people.

You just haven't found your people yet.

When "Just Go Have Fun" Isn't Helpful

People often give simple advice for complicated feelings.

"Just go."

"You'll have fun once you're there."

"You need to get out more."

"Don't overthink it."

But if you've spent years feeling like you don't quite belong, walking into a room full of unfamiliar people can take considerable emotional energy.

You may be trying to figure out:

Who do I talk to?

Where do I stand?

How long should I stay?

What if everyone already knows each other?

What if I say something awkward?

What if I feel invisible?

What if I don't feel invisible?

Those questions can make a supposedly fun evening feel like work.

And if you're already someone who has spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to fit in, another social situation can feel less like an opportunity for connection and more like another test you're supposed to pass.

When Socializing Means Performing

Some people become very good at figuring out what other people expect from them.

They learn when to laugh.

How much to talk.

What topics are acceptable.

How enthusiastic they're supposed to appear.

When to make eye contact.

When to stop talking.

How to make themselves seem more outgoing, more relaxed, or more interested than they actually feel.

Sometimes this is simply part of navigating the world.

But if you're doing it constantly, socializing can become exhausting.

You aren't just experiencing the interaction.

You're monitoring yourself throughout it.

And when you're finally alone again, you may feel completely drained.

For some neurodivergent people, this kind of social monitoring or masking can be especially demanding. But you don't have to be neurodivergent to know what it feels like to spend an entire evening wondering whether you're doing socializing "correctly."

Past Experiences Can Influence Present Choices

Sometimes our current social preferences are connected to older experiences.

If you were frequently excluded growing up, you may have learned to expect rejection.

If you were criticized or embarrassed socially, you may have become highly aware of how other people perceive you.

If you struggled to understand social expectations, you may have learned to watch other people carefully and imitate what seemed acceptable.

And if you've experienced repeated disappointment, avoiding the situation may begin to feel safer than hoping for connection.

None of this means that you're destined to remain socially isolated.

It simply means there may be more underneath your reluctance than:

"I don't like parties."

Sometimes the more important question is:

"What is it about being with these people that doesn't feel good?"

Finding Your People

One of the most important things I've come to believe about relationships is that not every person is going to be your person.

That sounds obvious.

But if you've spent years feeling like you don't fit in, it can be easy to conclude that you are the problem.

Maybe you're too quiet.

Too awkward.

Too sensitive.

Too serious.

Too different.

Too much.

Not enough.

But sometimes you're simply trying to connect in an environment that isn't a good fit for you.

Finding your people can change that experience.

Your people are the people you don't have to work quite so hard to be around.

That doesn't mean you never feel awkward with them.

It doesn't mean every interaction is effortless.

It doesn't mean they will always understand you.

But there is often a sense that you can relax.

You can say something without rehearsing it first.

You can be quiet without worrying that everyone thinks you're upset.

You can get excited about something without wondering whether you're being too much.

You can admit that you're ready to go home.

You can be yourself without constantly evaluating whether yourself is acceptable.

That feeling matters.

Your People May Not Look Like You Expected

Finding your people doesn't necessarily mean finding people who are exactly like you.

Sometimes our best relationships are with people who are different from us but who share something important:

A similar sense of humor.

Similar values.

A shared interest.

A similar way of thinking.

A willingness to communicate honestly.

An ability to respect boundaries.

A feeling of emotional safety.

You may meet your people through work, hobbies, volunteering, online communities, friendships, parenting, school, professional connections, or completely unexpected circumstances.

And sometimes you don't find them immediately.

That's okay.

Finding your people can take time.

You Don't Have to Make Yourself Fit Everywhere

There is a difference between stretching yourself and constantly reshaping yourself to fit.

Trying something new can be worthwhile.

Going to a gathering where you don't know anyone can be an opportunity to meet someone interesting.

Learning a new social skill can be helpful.

But if you repeatedly leave interactions feeling like you had to become someone else to be accepted, it may be worth paying attention to that.

You aren't necessarily failing at socializing.

You may be in the wrong environment.

And that is an important distinction.

What If You're Not Sure Who Your People Are?

You don't have to figure it out all at once.

Start paying attention to how you feel around different people.

Who makes you feel more relaxed?

Who are you able to be quiet around?

Who seems interested in what you actually think?

Who respects your "no"?

Who doesn't require you to constantly explain yourself?

Who leaves you feeling energized or at least comfortable rather than completely depleted?

And perhaps most importantly:

Who do you find yourself becoming when you're around them?

Do you become smaller?

More guarded?

More careful?

More performative?

Or do you find yourself laughing more, talking more freely, being curious, or simply feeling comfortable being quiet?

Those differences can tell you something.

Belonging Is Different From Fitting In

Fitting in can mean figuring out what you need to do so that other people will accept you.

Belonging is different.

Belonging means there is room for you to be yourself.

You don't have to perfectly match everyone around you.

You don't have to be the most outgoing person in the room.

You don't have to love parties.

You don't have to become someone who enjoys small talk.

And you don't have to force yourself to participate in every social experience simply because other people seem to enjoy it.

You can learn to stretch yourself when stretching is helpful.

You can learn to recognize when fear is keeping you from something you genuinely want.

And you can also learn to recognize when something simply isn't a good fit.

Maybe You Don't Need to Become More Social

Sometimes the advice we receive focuses entirely on changing ourselves:

Be more outgoing.

Put yourself out there.

Talk to more people.

Go to more events.

Make more friends.

But what if the better question isn't:

"How can I become better at fitting in?"

What if it's:

"Where do I feel like I can be myself?"

That's a different question.

And sometimes it leads somewhere much more useful.

Maybe you don't need to love Halloween parties.

Maybe you need to find the people you'd actually enjoy spending Halloween with.

Maybe you don't need to become comfortable talking to strangers at a crowded party.

Maybe you need a smaller gathering where you already know someone.

Maybe you don't need to become more outgoing.

Maybe you need relationships where your quieter nature is accepted.

Finding your people doesn't mean that every interaction will be easy.

It means you don't have to spend your entire life wondering whether you're doing a good enough job of being someone other people will like.

Sometimes the goal isn't learning how to fit in everywhere.

Sometimes it's finding the places and the people where you don't have to.