How Many Elephants Can Fit in the Room? The Importance of Addressing Unspoken Issues in Relationships

We’ve all heard the phrase “the elephant in the room.” It refers to something significant and obvious that no one is talking about. But yesterday, while chatting with a friend, I found myself asking a different question: How many elephants can there be in the room before you can’t move around?

That thought stuck with me because it’s such a fitting analogy for relationships—especially romantic ones. If we avoid discussing difficult topics, those unspoken issues pile up like elephants, crowding our emotional space and making it harder to navigate the relationship. Eventually, avoiding the conversation isn’t just uncomfortable—it’s completely unsustainable.

Why We Avoid Difficult Conversations

Many people hesitate to address issues in their relationships for a variety of reasons:

Fear of conflict – Worrying that bringing up concerns will lead to arguments or even breakups.
Desire to keep the peace – Thinking that ignoring the issue is easier than facing potential discomfort.
Uncertainty about how to communicate – Not knowing how to approach the subject without hurting feelings.
Hoping it will resolve itself – Believing that with time, the problem might disappear on its own.

While these reasons are understandable, they often lead to more harm than good. The longer issues go unaddressed, the more they build up, leading to resentment, emotional distance, and frustration.

Constructive Communication: Clearing the Room of Elephants

Addressing difficult topics doesn’t have to mean conflict—it can be a pathway to deeper understanding and connection. Here are a few ways to approach these conversations in a constructive way:

Acknowledge the Elephant – Recognize that there’s an issue that needs to be discussed. Pretending it’s not there doesn’t make it disappear.
Choose the Right Time and Place – Bringing up serious topics in the heat of an argument or when one person is stressed or distracted can make things worse. Instead, pick a time when you both feel calm and open to discussion.
Use “I” Statements – Saying “I feel hurt when…” rather than “You always…” helps avoid blame and encourages a more open conversation.
Listen with Curiosity, Not Defensiveness – Instead of planning your response while the other person is talking, really listen to what they’re saying. Ask questions to understand their perspective.
Seek Solutions Together – The goal isn’t to “win” the conversation but to find a resolution that works for both people.
Know When to Seek Support – If communication keeps breaking down, working with a therapist can help facilitate healthy discussions and provide strategies for effective problem-solving. Additionally, if defensiveness becomes a recurring barrier, it’s important to recognize and address this pattern to improve communication and understanding.

Healthy Relationships Require Space to Breathe

A relationship should feel like a space where both people can move freely—emotionally, mentally, and physically. If too many elephants fill that space, it becomes suffocating. The key is to clear them out as they appear rather than letting them take over.

Talking about difficult things isn’t easy, but avoiding them only makes relationships more challenging in the long run. By addressing issues with honesty, care, and mutual respect, we make room for genuine intimacy, trust, and connection.

If you’re feeling stuck in a relationship filled with unspoken concerns, therapy can provide a safe space to begin those conversations. I’m here to help. Let’s work together to make room for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.