Dealing with Defensiveness in Relationships: How to Navigate Tough Conversations

In my last blog post, I talked about the importance of addressing the “elephants in the room” in relationships. But there’s one big obstacle that can make these conversations even harder: defensiveness. When defensiveness takes over, meaningful discussions quickly turn into arguments, misunderstandings, or complete shutdowns.

So how do we manage defensiveness—whether it’s our own reaction or that of our partner? Let’s explore both sides of the equation.

Understanding Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a natural response to feeling attacked, criticized, or vulnerable. When we feel threatened—emotionally or psychologically—our instinct is often to protect ourselves. This might look like:

Denying responsibility (“That’s not true!” or “I never do that.”)
Shifting blame (“Well, you do the same thing.”)
Minimizing the issue (“It’s not a big deal, why are you making this an issue?”)
Counterattacking (“If you weren’t always so critical, I wouldn’t react this way.”)

While defensiveness is a common response, it creates barriers to healthy communication and makes it harder to resolve conflicts. Instead of addressing the concern, the focus shifts to protecting one’s ego—leaving the real issue unresolved.

If You Are Feeling Defensive

It’s important to recognize when we’re becoming defensive and take steps to manage it in the moment. Here are some ways to do that:

Pause and Breathe – When you feel the urge to react defensively, take a deep breath. Slowing down your response can help you shift from reacting to responding thoughtfully.
Identify the Trigger – Ask yourself: Why am I feeling defensive? Is it the way something was said, or does it touch on an insecurity? Understanding the root of your defensiveness can help you address it constructively.
Shift from Defending to Understanding – Instead of focusing on proving your point, try to understand what your partner is saying. Ask clarifying questions if needed.
Acknowledge Your Feelings – It’s okay to say, “I feel like I’m getting defensive, and I want to work through this with you.” This creates space for a more open conversation.
Reframe Criticism as an Opportunity for Growth – Instead of seeing feedback as an attack, try to see it as a chance to strengthen the relationship.

If Your Partner is Being Defensive

When you bring up a concern and are met with defensiveness, it can feel frustrating and discouraging. However, the way you approach the conversation can make a big difference in how your partner responds.

Start Gently – Avoid starting with blame or accusations. Instead of “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when…” This reduces the likelihood of a defensive response.
Use “I” Statements – Express your feelings and experiences rather than making statements about what the other person is doing wrong.
Validate Their Feelings – Acknowledge their emotions instead of dismissing them. For example, “I can see this is hard to talk about, and I appreciate you staying in the conversation with me.”
Stay Calm and Avoid Escalation – If your partner is getting defensive, raising your voice or pushing harder may only make things worse. Keep your tone calm and patient.
Take Breaks if Needed – If defensiveness is escalating, it may be best to pause the conversation and return to it when both people are in a better headspace.

Building a Relationship with Less Defensiveness

Creating an environment where both partners feel safe to communicate openly takes time and effort. Here are a few things that can help:

Practice Active Listening – Truly listening to understand, rather than just waiting to respond, can prevent defensiveness.
Cultivate Emotional Safety – Make it clear that discussing issues isn’t about blame, but about growing together.
Recognize Progress – If defensiveness has been a problem in your relationship, acknowledge the moments when conversations go well and express appreciation for the effort.
Consider Therapy – If defensiveness is a repeated barrier, working with a therapist can help both individuals learn better communication tools and break unhealthy patterns.

Final Thoughts

Defensiveness is a common challenge in relationships, but it doesn’t have to derail meaningful conversations. Whether you’re the one feeling defensive or you’re trying to navigate a partner’s defensiveness, approaching the situation with curiosity, patience, and emotional awareness can help you communicate more effectively.

If defensiveness is creating a strain in your relationship, therapy can provide guidance and tools to help you break the cycle. I’d love to support you in building stronger, more open relationships.